Front Facing

I have completed a wonderful solo retreat. There were many moments of inspiration, and deeper reflection that really broke through tough ground. In addition to progressing with my Daoist meditation, I am working through a self-awareness course. These are things that go together well; a synchronous retreat integration. One of the parts of retreat that I try to leave time for is free-flowing journaling. This is an attempt to catch wayward thoughts and questions.

Excerpts from this retreat: Who am I now? I don’t think I know. I have spent so much time basing it on the idea of who I was. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to redeem myself from it, or clinging to it. It can be comforting. But what happens if I let it go? If I made a point to only reflect or build on those especially relevant pieces/lessons. …Could my ego take me releasing the pride and status? Why do I need to be interesting?

A message I received: “Release who you were to live as you are.”

I want to live in the now, or at least be front-facing...

I also learned quite a bit about needs during this retreat, and the strategies we employ to try to get them met. I am a queen of ineffective (and even self-sabotaging) strategies. I often waste my personal resources on things that go nowhere. Some of it, I believe, has been self-medicating for meeting my needs for comfort, rest and relaxation. Still, it’s simply not enough to understand why… it’s time to start brainstorming new strategies.

Yes, I want to be “front-facing”. I want to simplify myself, as much as anything else. So that I don’t need long explanations or justifications. So that I can be present and just be whomever it is I am right now. Because we all change a little every day. The Dao leaves nothing, and no-one stagnant, especially if we surrender to being carried by its natural flow.

As I finished meditating in a gazebo out by a lovely canal, I was struck by the rightness, the perfection of that moment. The memory of the first time I ever felt as one with the All. The voice that hit me then, about 31 years ago, and that would come to me over the years as I invocated the Goddess, returned to respond to a floating question…

What should I be doing?

“What do you want to do?”

I want to remove everything that comes between me and You. For myself, and for anyone else who seeks You…

Ah, it’s the same. It’s the same calling after these few decades. To figure out how to make those opportunities real, safe and available to anyone who seeks the Sacred. Anyone seeking the Spirit, who needs to find haven in order to do so, in a culture and society that has become so loud, it drowns out that incredible voice within. It shouts and demands forcefully enough to bury our connection to the Sacred / Dao / Source.

For now, I can only work towards removing everything for myself that stands between me and the Great Mother Dao. This is long-ranging effort, requiring dedication, patience and trust. I’m holding on to this moment, and this front-facing dance…